All posts by jcjosAdmin

The wedding that was.

The wedding that was.
6 days ago was my sisters wedding.
I survived it.

First wedding in the imdediate family, yes I am the eldest, yes I am the only one with kids, no I am not married.
Or ever likely to be in this life time and if I do it will not be the extravagasa that was the wedding with a pink trim.
I was the only sibling not in the wedding party, my two other sisters being bridesmaids and our only brother being a grooms man.
Not all that bad, ment I sure as hell was not wearing a pink dress on the day, and not being a christian anymore
it ment they could not try and placate me with a reading of some sort.
Funny being at your sisters wedding and feeling that really your only there cos
due to the formalities you should be there and the fact that she wanted her only neice and nephew as flower girl and pageboy.

Couldn’t bring myslef to write about at the time,
I was too upset at the time.
but guess wht I have flu and I am utterly pissed off atm.

It was a horrid day tbh, but you do it cos it has to be done family and duty and all that jazz.
I am not they type of person who can’t but thier own grievences aside so not to upset
family and extended family for the likes of a wedding.
As the eldest of the 5 of us, me not being there would have been hughly noticible,
and lead to many awkward questions and converstaions and it would not have been fair to have done that to my family.

Ok well really as revenge for the shit storm of stuff and thier sticking thier noses in in my life and my affairs
it would not have even rated at being fitting for 1/4 of the tears and grief they caused.
Ohhh but everything they did was cos they were concerned.
Concered MY ARSE.
They didnt know what was going on, they didnt want to know, and then they jumped to all sorts of conculsions.
I was the one who suffered because of it.
You want to know what is going in with me and my life come talk to me.
If you can’t handle me or my life then don’t fucking ask, and don’t dare fucking judge me
by what you would or would not do or how you live your life.
You go live your life, I will live mine.

Sounds harsh, more like stuff you would say to strangers then family,
but then again you expect family not to always approve of your life
but you do not expect them to stab you in the back when you are strugging either.

Will I get over all of this, sure you bet.
I need to, I have two kids I love and a new life to create for me and them.
Part of that means figuring out and making sure that thier Dad my now ex-parter
is still a part of thier lives no matter what he choses to do with his life
and if and when he moves out of the family home.

As the wedding proves I can be gracious and not hold a grudge;
but forgiving and forgetting will never happen.
Esp when you get the feeling you are barely being tolerated and that is cos they want to see my kids.
No that is not the situation with all of my family,
but realy if I am to be the black sheep of the family I may as well use the privilage of telling them
a few uncomfortible home truths, and letting secrets out of the bag.
But you what I can’t, for no matter what they think of me I am not the bad person they supose.
Why re enforce that ?
Just because you can does not mean you should.

Fuck them.

Those that know me, trully know me know better.
The only person I have anything to prove anything to are me and my Gods.
If I am not breaking any laws, then the only persons who can judge me are me and my Gods.

Being Sick sucks.

I have flu, I feel utterly wretched.

What was a temp yesterday and a slight scratch in my troath
last night became restlessness and utter wooly headiness.
Currently after being up with my son vomiting last night things have gotten worse.
Not quiet oh gods I want to be dead, that only comes along after the brain numbing
I can’t read , focus , watch stuff, can’t function headache.

Being Sick sucks.
I it is worse when you have kids.
Thankfully they are now 5 and 7 and even if they are sick too, they understand that mammy is sick.
Really I recall the joys of changing a very dirty nappy and vomiting both before and after;
so this time arround won’t be that bad.

Besides if the comment my son was making at 3:35am about the accustics in the toilet room
had us both laughing, then maybe there is hope for all of us.

The first crunch of autumn.

It happened today, the first crunch of atumn.
The sight,sound and sensation of standing on shed leaves.
Beach tree leaves.
They crackle and crunch as you clump over thier crisp curled edges.
They are the first, due to thier shady spot between to school building
where they run along the sides of the path creating a tunnel to travel through.
We shared this grinning and looked up to see that there were still
many leaves yet to fall from the trees.
I wonder for how many days we will get to dance to school and back
amoung the drifting leaves as they decend to the earth.

Summers last hurrah

Summers last hurrah

The Dawn’s early chill gives way
To the waxing sun and the warmth of day.
The heat that gathers from noon ’til four,
Lingers softy as the shadows come to play once more.

Leaves have gone from gold to red to brown;
Still the sun beats down.
The air heavy and still
Drains us of our energy and will.

A small breeze flickers carrying the scent
Of that season that has been spent
On holidays by the beach or in a tent
All over now that the shadows have added to their length.

The evening gathers quicker then expected
And we see that for a while summer was resurrected
As the dark and night gather weight
We take the time to contemplate

On one last day of bliss
And enjoying it we remember this
That winter is not far
And this was for all its warmth this day was,
Summers last hurrah.

We’re not here to make things perfect.

“I love you. Not like they told you love is and I didn’t know this either.
But love don’t make things nice, it ruins everything, it breaks your heart,
it makes things a mess. We’re not here to make things perfect.
Snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us.
We are here to ruin ourselves and break our hearts and love the wrong people and die.”


Why? because I am that Sick and Twisted

Such is the darkness of my humour and my friends;
upon looking and reading what is happening in the USA
one of them sent me a link to try cheer me up.
A Massively Multi-Player Web-Based Zombie Apocalypse

65,352 dead and rising.

Created by Kevan Davis, July 2005.

The city is dying. A month on from the first reported outbreak,
military quarantine units have closed Malton’s borders, and are moving in to eliminate the looters,
to forcibly evacuate those civilians who still refuse to leave their homes.

The city is dying, and the urban dead are filling its streets.

New Orleans Nightmare
The guy runs the servers.
This is the horror of what has been happening in New Orleans.

Honestly I am not shocked, trying hard to think too much of the kids
trapped there in that nightmare, esp as I took my to to school this morning at the start of the term time.