(sung to the air of A Wild Rover)

I’ve been a muff diver for many a year,
and spent all my money on muff diving gear.
The goggles the snorkel the muff diving tank.
And when I’m not diving I’m having a wank.

And it’s no nay never, ( right up her skirt)
no nay never no more,
and I’ll be a muff diver for ever and more.

I went to a whore house I used to frequent
it sure beats the hell out of paying the rent.
I asked for a blow job she answered me nay
not until you’ve gone and washed that ‘thing’ today.

And it’s no nay never, ( right up her skirt)
no nay never no more,
and I’ll be a muff diver for ever and more.

I took from my pocket 10 shillings abright
and the madams’ bosom heaved in delight.
“We have old’uns and young’un sand aisans galore
and if you like men then you try that last door”.

And it’s no nay never, ( right up his kilt )
no nay never no more,
and I’ll be a muff diver for ever and more.

I returned to my parents confessed what I had done,
Me Da started swearing and reached for his gun.
I fled from his presence all trembling with fright
but I now live in Cuba and muff dive all night.

And it’s no nay never, ( right up her skirt)
no nay never no more,
and I’ll be a muff diver for ever and more,
and I’ll be a muff diver for ever and more.