22 to years ago when the CAO results came out I was in town with the girls from my year with the new edition of tomorrow’s newspaper, trying to look up the sting of numbers which hopefully was printed with against the course code I wanted. I didn’t see the code and I went home on the last bus to double check again on the kitchen table, I didn’t get what I wanted that year but I did two years later.
But they say 3 times the charm and this morning so much has changed in those 22 years, including how I got my offer. It arrived by text message, saying I had an offer for course code DC 131 and to log in to the CAO site to accept it. DC131 is the Degree in Communication Studies in Dublin City University.
Today I am giddy with excitement, the details and concerns as to how I make it all happen, the grant applications, the child cared ect can all wait for 24 hours while I revel in the idea that I am going to college this Autumn and all going well in a few short years I will graduate.
Most people go to university as a teen, I am going as a mature student. I am really looking forward to it. Just hope I don’t give in the urge to straighten the collars and pull down the shirts of my fellow first years.
This post has be simmering for a while, but before I start let me just don this fendora.
Right lets do this. I have written a lot over the years about how I came to be a feminist, being a feminist and how that is important to me. Having grown up to be a woman in this society I am aware of the double standards, mixed messages, unreachable standards and limitations in how girls are socialized and women are expected to behave. I knew when I had my daughter some of the battles and struggles she would have to face.
I did have my son first and did think life would be easier for him, but I found out he has his own set of battles and struggles with the double standards, mixed messages, unreachable standards and limitations in how boys are socialized and men are expected to behave.
One of the people who helped open my eyes to this was Tom “Devore” Murphy. in our many back and forth debating and discussing the topic of feminism over the years, one of his salient points was I don’t know what it is to grow up with the societal messages that boys don’t cry, boys are smelly, boys aren’t emotionally intelligent, men aren’t caring, and that other then aggression or pride few emotional expression are considered ok for men.
Yes both my brats have ASD, which means we have had to do a lot of work around emotions, figuring them out, what they are feeling, best ways to express those emotions, how other’s are feeling and being compassionate and considerate of others. This type of work is not done with most boys, girls learn it’s ok to talk about their feelings, boys don’t, boys get lessons in how to appear emotionally tough for when they have to go out and interact in male company.
These lessons can from family often unknowingly, from media, from peers from school, society and even media aimed at children. This youtube clip is 7 years old.
So what, do I as a feminist think is meant by the saying Patriarchy hurts men too.
Patriarchy is to me the promotion and enforcement of gender roles and stereotypes for the good of society. Thing is I didn’t grow up in a gender stereotypical family, My parents took turns being the stay at home parent, my Dad was reared in a household were hands had no gender, he had no issues 39 years ago changing my terry cloth nappies or making apple tarts. So much of what patriarchy promotes I have always known to be bullshit.
I see how such gendered enforcement holds back girls and boys, girls I would have always said more, I had believe that as gendered stereotypes were broken down, mostly by women and girls it would effect positively for boys and men.
For Every Woman By Nancy R. Smith, copyright 1973
For every woman who is tired of acting weak when she knows she is strong, there is a man who is tired of appearing strong when he feels vulnerable.
For every woman who is tired of acting dumb, there is a man who is burdened with the constant expectation of “knowing everything.”
For every woman who is tired of being called “an emotional female,” there is a man who is denied the right to weep and to be gentle.
For every woman who is called unfeminine when she competes, there is a man for whom competition is the only way to prove his masculinity.
For every woman who is tired of being a sex object, there is a man who must worry about his potency.
For every woman who feels “tied down” by her children, there is a man who is denied the full pleasures of shared parenthood.
For every woman who is denied meaningful employment or equal pay, there is a man who must bear full financial responsibility for another human being.
For every woman who was not taught the intricacies of an automobile, there is a man who was not taught the satisfactions of cooking.
For every woman who takes a step toward her own liberation, there is a man who finds the way to freedom has been made a little easier.
But I have now come to see there has to be a complimentary body of work to be done, by men and boys for men and boys and supported by women and girls. Feminism is for me not just about smashing patriarchy, it is not just about equal rights and opportunities, it is about encouraging women and girls to speak out and speak up about what needs to chance and empowering them to make changes. I think boys and men need something the same along those line. I don’t think it’s feminism job to do it for them, I don’t think it would be right for me as a feminist to tell men what needs doing in how they related to each other and what should get priority in their movement.
I have tried before to get an action group up and going to agitate and petition for paternity leave (there is no legal entitlement to paternity leave in Ireland), there was a lot of talk about creating the group, but none of the men showed up. There are many issues which I am more then happy to support, lack or support services and awareness of male victims of sexual assault, rape and domestic violence, male suicide rates and mental health issues, the rise in male eating disorders as boys now have those impossible abs held up as what it means to be good looking, there is a list to be sure.
To date there is only one group/org which I feel I can show solidarity and support to and that is the men’s shed movement. Most of the other groups/orgs seem to waste so much time and energy condemning feminism and blaming it for all the ills that beset men. The men’s shed movement says that men are more inclined to talk shoulder to shoulder, working together then talk face to face, they do good work globally.
There are serious conversations needed, about what it means to be a man in society, the struggles men face. I do want these conversations to happen, I just wish they would happen to be parallel to the ones women are having. I would love to see a hastag on twitter with men sharing the issues they have faced and deal with.
Just as I think there needs to be women’s only spaces to talk about what needs smashing and changing, I think there needs to be men only spaces to do the same and then we should be able to get together while respecting each other and offer support and solidarity.
This is very hard to do it seems. Each county Council is meant to have a list online of candidates who are running and how to contact them. But from talking to friends, it’s spotty at best.
However as I have stated in my other blog it is easier for us to try and communicate with them and to pool resources with each other to ask the questions we think are important and that for me is who is ProChoice. If two candidates are weighing up for me equally this will be the decider, or may rule out someone who other wise I would vote for.
So here is a link to a list of all the candidates I could find who are running in the local elections and how to contact them.
So over the last 10 weeks my daughter has been in a Mindfullness program aimed at teens, to help them figure out their emotions, triggers and find ways to deal with a range of things, from negative thought patterns, panic attack, temper outburts. While the teens have been attending the 90min sessions some of us parents would go for coffee or lunch and chat.
The parents I did this with all turned out to be mothers, rather then fathers as it’s still expected or easier for them to get time off work to do bring their children or else they are a stay at home parent due to the extra care their child needs.
It was nice to spend some time with them and to exchange war stories, to know my kids ‘weridness’ is actually pretty normal for kids on the autism spectrum. Over the 10 weeks we laughed, cried, shared and reached a certain comfort level. Our last ladies who lunch session was this week. The topic of teenage sex and sex education and the pressures on teens to become sexually active was trashed out over lattes, tea and sparking waters.
The point was made that it’s not really that different from when we were teenagers and they started disclosing how old they were when they lost their virginity. This was the end of my feeling included and the same as them. I don’t even define virginity in the same way, or even sex it seems. I had to decide would I be the only one who didn’t share, should I share but only speak to part of my sexual history which was similar to them perpetuating bisexual erasure or would I flat out say my first sexual partner was a teenage girl like I was.
So I took a deep breath, while no one said anything mean or biphobic, some were startled, and there were a moment or two of silence. No one asked questions, but then the topic was swiftly changed to if anyone was going anyway over the summer holidays and how difficult doing that is with children who don’t cope well with a change in routine.
It was a few moments discord in what had been 10 weeks of all just getting along, but it still happened. It’s been said that we never stop coming out, but I can see why people stop, as it can make life easier. Maybe I just need to go to lunch with a different type of Ladies.
Today I am grateful the time I spent with other parents who have children who are 12 to 15 who have Autism Spectrum Disorders. While our kids were in a skills and social group sessions, under the care of professionals, rather then sit for 90 mins in the reception area, we managed to get away for a coffee and a chat.
All of us, kept our phones out of our bags and on the table, just encase the clinic needed to contact us, or in case our other kids needed us. We shared survival tips, stories of heart ache, frustration, small victories, what we have dealt with. Things which we have had to endure which usually we can’t talk to other parents about as it’s upsetting for them but is just part of our narratives.
It was also reassuring to share the things our kids do and did have in fact in common, things which usually separate them from other kids. “Oh, yours does that, yes mine did that to, or still does it, ” cue story about that issue and how we try not to laugh or roll our eyes, or get angry when we have to deal with it. It really normalises our experience as parents, which is so needed. We are not alone in struggling to manage our teens and trying to teach them to self manage.
One thing which came up, again and again was that, our lives would be easier and that of our children would be less miserable if ‘normal’ kids were not as cruel. We have enough to be dealing with, with out the damage to our children’s self confidence, self esteem and self worth, which comes from their peers. Esp in school environments, which we have to send them to, which they can come to view as not safe places to be in.
As we come marching, marching in the beauty of the day,
A million darkened kitchens, a thousand mill lofts gray,
Are touched with all the radiance that a sudden sun discloses,
For the people hear us singing: “Bread and roses! Bread and roses!”
As we come marching, marching, we battle too for men,
For they are women’s children, and we mother them again.
Our lives shall not be sweated from birth until life closes;
Hearts starve as well as bodies; give us bread, but give us roses!
As we come marching, marching, unnumbered women dead
Go crying through our singing their ancient cry for bread.
Small art and love and beauty their drudging spirits knew.
Yes, it is bread we fight for — but we fight for roses, too!
As we come marching, marching, we bring the greater days.
The rising of the women means the rising of the race.
No more the drudge and idler — ten that toil where one reposes,
But a sharing of life’s glories: Bread and roses! Bread and roses!
By James Oppenheim inspired by Rose Schneiderman who coined the phrase
“The worker must have bread, but she must have roses, too.”
Went for a walk with my son, as he’s not been out of the house from when he got home from school on Friday. Like me he prefers to go for a walk at night, when it’s quieter. We enjoy the dark and the cool. It was a perfect evening for star gazing, a clear sky, not to cold, so we could stand for a while and look up.
He’s now old enough that he’s pointing out to me the constellations he knows and the
many names and the tales associated with the names, which makes me proud he remembers and it’s strange to be standing beside him and have him as tall as me.
He is also at the stage were I can talk more about the Irish historical political and cultural meanings behind Ursa Major, esp as he will be doing Seán O’Casey in school.
I hope we never stop having discussions about the universe, history, culture and everything.
I’ve not been blogging much of late, that is due to getting involved more in my local community.
I’ve recently become a member of the Board of Management of my local community center and a member of the events committee. We started small with a end of summer disco when the kids went back to school and
have work our way up to more ambition event.
Today was one of them. It went well I am shattered, we had two fire tenders, one from the civil defense who let the kids climb on board and use the mini hose and one from the on call Dublin fire brigade who, who did a talk on safety at Holloween. We had the order of Malta ambulance and the kids got to be strapped down on the strecher and the Community Garda came with a Van and the kids got to sit in the driving seat and be locked in the back.
This time of year our emergency services can face a lot of flack when they are called out esp Holloween night, hopefully some of the out reach we did today will mean there will be less of that in years to come.
Then we had the disco and face painting, colouring in competition, costume competition. We had over a 150 kids attend it was a great community even I got called the Pumpkin lady by the kids due to my T Shirt. It was very worth while. And I am so going to veg out and watch scarey movies wiht my kids for the rest of the evening and have a drink or two.
So one of the things which happened over the last 6 weeks is that we finally got a Dx from Blanchardstown CAMHS in relation to my daughter. When the many, many pieces of diagnostic information and reports were put together is has been concluded by the team that she is on the Autism Spectrum and falls in to the criteria for ASD. ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder is the new term being used as Aspergers is being retired as a clinical term but it to my mind Aspergers is useful but I can understand why it’s being no longer used.
Girls who are on the higher functioning end of the Autism Spectrum present differently and are judged differently due to how they are socialized and our expectations of how children should behave based on generalizations of binary gender. It is more acceptable for girls to be shy, to be quiet, to be obsessive about certain things like my little pony.
The difficulties in the diagnosis of girls and women arise if clinicians continue to use the narrow definitions set out in the International Classification Systems. It cannot be stressed enough that diagnosis and full assessment of needs cannot be carried out by following a checklist. Proper assessment takes time and detailed evaluation is necessary to enable a clinician to systematically collect information which not only provides a diagnostic label, but more importantly, a detailed profile of the person.
So diagnosing girls is harder do to gender bias, I had been concerned that due to how we run the house hold and explain things to my son and there for to my daughter that she wasn’t on the spectrum but rather picking up on his behavior but it turns out in supporting them both in similar ways we had been helping her cope so that we didn’t see as many melt downs, so it took longer to even get her on the list to be seen by the team and then it took many many months for them to have enough to confirm the diagnoses.
The research into women and girls on the spectrum has really only happened over the last 5 years so very little of it was around when I was desperately trying to educate myself about Autism after my son’s diagnoses 7 years ago. What I have been reading over the last 3 weeks has brought into focus more for me certain behaviors which is a good thing as I can now work with my daughter on them, esp things like this.
In our society, girls are expected to be social in their communication. Girls on the spectrum do not ‘do social chit chat’ or make ‘meaningless’ comments in order to facilitate social communication. The idea of a social hierarchy and how one communicates with people of different status can be problematic and get girls into trouble with teachers.
Yep, hopefully the copy of the report which will be going to her school will also help teachers to adjust.
