“I Am the Bleekin’ Model of a Treecat Telempathical”
(“I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General”) — Pirates of Penzance
Jonathan Cresswell

I am the bleekin’ model of a treecat telempathical,
I groom myself and never need to suffer splash embathical,
I’m named as was the carrier for Nimitz, famous ad-mir-al,
But never carry passengers; my flea-spray gives ’em sad morale.
I bonded with the Commodore long years ago when we were young,
I’ve been with her through triumph great and heard the mourning songs she’s sung,
We’ve marched with folk who’ve been through wars that match the scars of Punic’s hell…
(swell? Krell? hm….ah!)
And particularly note the ones who wear those bright red tunics well!

(Particularly note the ones who wear those bright red tunics well!
Particularly note the ones who wear those bright red tunics well!
Particularly note the ones who wear those bright red tunics, who nix well!)

I act as her creative and emotional barometer
And show her state of mind when I’m within a rough kilometer;
In short in matters empathetic, mental but non-mathical,
I am the bleekin’ model of a treecat telempathical!

I sleep a lot, but often have the power of a Mallory;
I don’t get paid but you could say I really earn my celery.
I follow Honor minds a-linked and loyally devotional,
(She handles all the tactics stuff, and I do things emotional.)
I keep her on an even keel no matter what her attitude,
I kick her when she’s listless and I tell her she’s a brat o’ ‘tude,
I steady her when mood swings are a-clawing at her self-esteem…
(team? dream? hm….ah, i have it!)
I only need to nip her and AHA! she has a wealth o’ steam!

(He only needs to nip her and AHA! she has a wealth o’ steam!
He only needs to nip her and AHA! she has a wealth o’ steam!
He only needs to nip her and AHA! she has a wealth o’ healthy steam!)

I study her subordinates and help her all their habits peg
And do it with my eyes shut, chewing on a well-cooked rabbit’s leg;
In short, in matters empathetic, mental but non-mathical,
I am the bleekin’ model of a treecat telempathical!

I’ve been with her since kittenhood and know her mind in every bit
(You might just say that Honor Harrington has built me from a kit.)
I know when she is intimate but I think that is all for schnooks,
It’s only bombs and lasers with X-ray-ted roles in these here books!
If anyone should threaten her and make a fuss with fists or jaws,
I put a contract out upon them…sharpened with a lot of clause;
When danger nears I sense it, and make certain that ne’er it catch her…
(burr?…fur? AHA!)
And now I find I have the knack to mentally caricature!

(And now he finds he has the knack to mentally caricature!
And now he finds he has the knack to mentally caricature!
And now he finds he has the knack to mentally carica-trickature!)

Our names are famous for our feats and no one dares accost hers now;
She’s got a treecat name that sounds a bit like Kevin Costner’s now;
In short, in matters empathetic, mental but non-mathical,
I am the bleekin’ model of a treecat telempathical!